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Letters
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 Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 6/11/2009
Theme: Resources
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Christian Home
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!'
- Unknown
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 6/11/2009
Theme: Resources
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He Was a Saint""
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 6/11/2009
Theme: Resources
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Pick Three Hymns
Whoever gave the most money could pick a hymn
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 6/11/2009
Theme: Resources
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The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 6/11/2009
Theme: Resources
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Where is God
Humorous Story
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 6/11/2009
Theme: Resources
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What Is Mine and What Goes to the Lord
Three ministers were talking over lunch and before long found themselves discussing how much of the weekly donations was appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord.
The first minister says, "I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on both sides, and throw the money into the air... whatever lands on the right side of the line is God's and whatever lands on the left is mine."
The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but "I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine."
They both contemplate each other's answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything.
"Well, how do you do it?" asks the first to the third.
"Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he'll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor."
- Unknown
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 6/11/2009
Theme: Resources
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Three Simple Steps to Explosive Giving
Three Simple Steps to Explosive Giving
1. When the ushers bring the offering plates to the altar the pastor will place all the offering envelopes in a big round tumbler on the altar.
2. One of the acolytes will step forward and draw out one of the offering envelopes from the big round tumbler on the altar.
3. The 'winner' (person or family whose offering envelope is drawn) will receive Double Their Money Back!
- Unknown
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 6/11/2009
Theme: Resources
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Chasing Rabbits
A story about the futility of chasing after something that is not real.
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Humor
Author: John Bogle, founder of the Vanguard Mutual Fund Group and President of its Bogle Financial Markets Research.
Posted: 4/13/2009
Theme: Stewardship Leadership
© John C. Bogle
John Wiley & Sons, Inc
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Guilty Tax Payer
Dear IRS: I'm sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn't stop, I'll send you the rest.
-Roy Pate
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Humor
Author: Roy Pate
Posted: 12/31/2008
Theme: Resources
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Shirley Goodnes and Marcy
Psalm 23
Faith companions for a small child
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 11/26/2008
Theme: Resources
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What Does It Take To Get Into Heaven?
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"No!"the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "No!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "No!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You Gotta Be Dead."
- Unknown
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 11/10/2008
Theme: Resources
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Why We Love Children . . .
11 short humorous stories for your enjoyment
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 10/26/2008
Theme: Resources
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Surprise God
The greatest surprise of Mary's life was receiving a dollar on her fourth birthday. She carried the bill about the house and was seen sitting on the stairs admiring it.
"What are you going to do with your dollar?" her mother asked.
"Take it to Sunday School," said Mary promptly.
"To show your teacher?" Mary shook her head.
"No," she said. "I'm going to give it to God. He'll be as surprised as I am to get something besides pennies."
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Humor
Author:
Posted: 10/22/2008
Theme: Resources
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Generous Donation
"Thanks for the generous donation," the church treasurer said, looking at a check she had just been handed.
The donor smiled. "Well, you can thank the Holy Spirit."
The treasurer rolled her eyes. "C'mon. It wasn't that generous."
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 10/22/2008
Theme: Resources
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What Would Jesus Drive?
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Humor
Author: Adapted from columns written by Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle and Roy Rivenburg of offkilter.org and the Los Angeles Times. E-mail: Roy.Rivenburg@latimes.com
Posted: 8/8/2008
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
© Roy Rivenburg
From a copyrighted newspaper column (www.offkilter.org/jesusdmv.html), distributed by Creators Syndicate.
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Star Spangled Banner
How to get people on their feet.
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 8/8/2008
Theme: Communicating the Message
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Church Treasurer
A story applicable to a scarcity mentality.
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Humor
Author: Source Unknown
Posted: 8/8/2008
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Inheriting Two Million Dollars
A man had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. He could receive little company and was not to be excited. While in the hospital a rich uncle died and left him two million dollars.
His family wondered how to break the news to him with the least amount of excitement. It was decided to ask the preacher if he would go and break the news quietly to the man. The preacher went and gradually led up to the question. The preacher asked the patient what he would do if he inherited two million dollars. He said, "I think I would give half of it to the church."
The preacher dropped dead.
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Humor
Author: Source Unknown
Posted: 8/8/2008
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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One Dollar Bill
A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff -- church, church, church."
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Humor
Author: Source Unknown
Posted: 8/8/2008
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Stumpy and Martha
A story about the value of money.
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 8/8/2008
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Tithing
Shipwrecked
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 8/8/2008
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Give to go
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 7/28/2008
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Let's Give the Pastor Some Liver
During the Great Depression, farmers would often give their pastors food from their farms. This is a story of how one pastor received an abundant supply of pork liver.
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Humor
Author: Mildred Armstrong Kalish was born 1922, Garrison, IA - influenced by the Great Depression and by the self-reliance and work ethic of her mother's parents.
Posted: 7/23/2008
Theme: Resources
© Mildred Armstrong Kalish, A Bantam Book
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Pick Three Hymns
Before taking the offering the pastor announced that the church had several unexpected expenses in the last month. She encouraged everyone to make a significant offering that morning, and as extra incentive she said that whoever gave the most that day would get to pick three hymns.
When the ushers brought the offering forward there was a thousand dollar bill on the top of the plate. The pastor asked the donor to please come forward. After a brief pause an older woman came forward absolutely beaming.
The pastor thanked her profusely and then reminded her that she was entitled to pick three hymns.
Without hesitation she pointed at three handsome young men and said, "I pick him, and him, and him."
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Humor
Author:
Posted: 7/16/2008
Theme: Resources
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Smile
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
--Steven Wright
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Humor
Author: Steven Wright
Posted: 7/9/2008
Theme: Resources
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One Time
A little girl saved up enough money to buy her father a present for Father's Day, but she had one concern. "I can't be going downtown every month to make payments," she said to her mother. "Is there a store where they'll let you pay the whole thing at once?"
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 7/9/2008
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Scarcity
We see ourselves in the pestering of a 5-year-old who feels she doesn't have enough.
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Humor
Author: Jerry Hoffman, a grandpa
Posted: 3/19/2008
Theme: Becoming a Steward
© Jerry Hoffman
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Loan Approval Granted After Original Owner Determined
Here's a humorous story from Mike Nelson.
He writes, "Your item on Pastor Lee's creed-centered theology for stewardship brought to mind this item I saw posted on the Lutherlink meeting, 'Eculaugh.' I think it is a good illustration of the point that God is the ultimate owner of all."
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Humor
Author: Mike Nelson
Posted: 3/19/2008
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Generosity
Pastor Schmitt answers the phone:
Hello, is Rev. Schmitt?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a David Anderson?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
--From Stewardship of Life Institute, Joke of the Week
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Humor
Author: From Stewardship of Life Institute
Posted: 3/19/2008
Theme: Communicating the Message
© Stewardship of Life Institute
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Money Isn't Everything
A certain clothing manufacturer turned out thousands of sweatshirts with "Money isn't everything" printed on them. He went bankrupt.
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 5/22/2007
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Wealthy
Maria: I never want to change my new boyfriend. I love him just the way he is.
Marlena: How sweet. What is he like?
Maria: Wealthy.
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 3/2/2007
Theme: Resources
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Bridegroom
Prospective father-in-law to daughter's suitor: 'How much money do you have in the bank''
Young man: "I don't know. I haven't shaken it lately."
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Humor
Author: Source Unknown
Posted: 11/20/2006
Theme: Resources
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The Locker Room
Here's an attention-getting story. E-mail me at Jerry Hoffman and let me know how you integrate it into your message.
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 7/28/2006
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Can't take it with you
Hoping to take his money to heaven with him, a man puts it in a box in the attic.
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 7/28/2006
Theme: Communicating the Message
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Thirty Humorous One-Line Quotations
Series to use for chuckles in e-mail newsletters.
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 7/13/2006
Theme: Stewardship Leadership
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Prayer Over Offering Plate
In Scotland, where the collection plate is rarely full, a pastor in a small church was taking the offering.
When the plate came back to the pastor to pray over the offering, he saw that the few pennies in it were even less than usual.
He held the plate up in front of him and said, "Well Lord, we thank you for he safe return of the plate."
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 4/25/2006
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Punished in the Stocks
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 8/12/2005
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Plans
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."
--Woody Allen
The converse is also true.
"If God wants to make you laugh he will tell you his plans for you."
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Humor
Author: Woody Allen
Posted: 7/12/2005
Theme: Resources
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Poor Preacher
A little boy pulls on the preacher's hand to get his attention. Then says, "I'm going to give you money when I grow up."
The preacher says, "Thank you very much but why do you want to give me money when you grow up?"
The little boy replies, "My dad says that you are the "poorest" preacher we have ever had."
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 1/31/2005
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Contentment
A man of some wealth overheard a lady remarking, "Oh, if I only had fifty dollars I would be perfectly content."
He thought about that for a few moments. If the lady only had fifty dollars she would be content. He thought to himself, "Well, I can help her out." So he walked up to her and handed her a fifty dollar bill with his best wishes. She was very overt in her show of gratitude. She really appreciated his gift. As she walked away he heard her mumble under her breath, "Why on earth didn't I say one hundred dollars?"
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 10/14/2004
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Lost Rolex
A state trooper found a Yuppie by the roadside next to a demolished car, crying, "MY BMW! I've lost my BMW!"
The trooper says, "Never mind the car. You've lost your left arm!"
The Yuppie looks down, and cried, "My Rolex! I've lost my Rolex!"
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Humor
Author: The Jokesmith
Posted: 7/5/2004
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Pockets
In the movie, "Oh, God!" the idea was advanced that the reason God gave Adam and Eve no clothes to wear was because God knew that once they had clothes, they would want pockets. Once they had pockets, they would want money.
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 5/1/2004
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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WHERE LITTLE BOYS GO
The Sunday School teacher was just finishing a lesson on honesty.
"Do you know where little boys go if they don't put their money in the collection plate?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," a boy blurted out. "They go to the movies."
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 5/1/2004
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Don't Despair
A man had been down on his luck, strapped financially.
One day, he received $200 anonymously in the mail. He decided to tithe this blessing.
He was looking outside his window from the second floor and below stood this disrumpled, down-and-out looking fellow by the pay phone. Here was an opportunity to put his tithe to direct use.
So, he puts $20 in an envelope and writes on the outside of it "Don't despair," and drops it out the window.
The fellow looks up a little puzzled, but takes it and goes into the phone booth.
The next day, there was a knock on the door, and there he stands, handing him several hundred dollar bills.
"What's this?," the first fellow says.
The disrumpled-looking fellow answers, "It's your share. 'Don't Despair' paid 50 to 1!"
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Humor
Author: Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground Christian Church, Stamping Ground, KY.
Posted: 3/19/2004
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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No More Bills
Some persons are concerned about money almost to the point of desperation. A mail carrier tells of greeting a four year old boy who had planted himself firmly in front of his family's mailbox and would not budge. With his feet spread wide and his arms folded, he told the mail carrier firmly, "My mom says she can't TAKE any more bills."
Found on Christian Humor
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 11/17/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Let Her Walk Preacher
The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving.
Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher"
The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher."
Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly."
The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "if this church is really going to fly it's going to need money" to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher, let her walk."
Found on Christian Humor
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 11/17/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Basis for Generosity?
A man began to date a woman who had a cat. He loved her but hated the cat. One day he killed the cat, but in consoling her, he said he would put an add in the paper offering a $10,000 reward for the cat.
A friend told him he was being very generous. He said: "When you know what I know you can afford to be generous."
Ted Turner gave a billion dollars to the United Nations. He said it wasn't such a big deal because it only amounted to his 9 months salary
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 11/5/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Honesty
The Sunday School teacher was just finishing a lesson on honesty.
"Do you know where little boys go if they don't put their money in the collection plate?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," a boy blurted out. "They go to the movies."
--From the Stewardship of Life Website
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Humor
Author: From The Stewardship of Life Website
Posted: 10/11/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message
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Reasons Not To Wash
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and applied them to other important areas of life, you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic.
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 10/11/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Giving
Ole is drinking a cup of coffee in the Fellowship Hall with nothing on but his boxer shorts.
Sven comes up and asks him, "Well, Ole, how are tings?"
"Vell," Ole replies, "That preacher sure gave a powerful stewardship sermon."
Sven: "Oh, is that so?"
Ole: "He says, 'You need to give God everyting ya got. I was sooo moved I vanted to do yust as he said but I couldn't."
Sven: "But vhy didn't ya?"
Ole: "Oh, Lena says to me, 'That's quite enough Ole.'"
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 10/11/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message
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Happy
Cecil Rhodes was an enormously wealthy man. One day a newspaperman said to him, "You must be very happy."
Rhodes replied, "Happy?! No! I spent my life amassing a fortune only to find I have spent half of it on doctors to keep me out of the grave, and the other half on lawyers to keep me out of jail!"
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 10/1/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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That's Living
A Texas millionaire stipulated in his will that he be buried in his favorite possession: his $250,000 Rolls Royce. When the time came, two laborers were shoveling the last bit of dirt onto the now buried luxury car. One finally turned to the other and said, "boy! That's living!"
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 10/1/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Inheritance
Ralph the cab driver who had accumulated $700,000 and was going to retire. As was customary, the company gave him a farewell dinner. At the toast, Ralph said a few words.
"I owe my retirement in part to my thrifty habits," said Ralph. "Even more, I owe it to the good judgment of my wife. But still more, I owe it to my aunt who died and left me $675,000."
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Humor
Author:
Posted: 10/1/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Wait Until You Can Afford
The young couples' Sunday school class was studying the story of Abraham and Sarah, who in their 90s were blessed with a child, Isaac.
"What lesson," the teacher asked, "do we learn from this story?"
A young mother blurted out, "They waited until they could afford it."
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 10/1/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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No Artificial Resperation
Did you hear about the wealthy Dallas oilman who went on vacation to Hawaii?
He went out to the beach one afternoon to discover that his wife had just been rescued from the surf, and was being revived by the lifeguards. "What are you doing?" he asked.
The lifeguards replied, "We are giving her artificial respiration."
"Artificial nothing," the oilman shouted, "Give her the real thing. We can afford it."
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 10/1/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Wealth
During the Great Depression, Bernard Baruch accumulated billions of dollars.
A reporter once asked him, "Mr. Baruch, I know you're a very wealthy man. How much is going to be enough?"
He said, "Just a little more."
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 10/1/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Inheritance
A millionaire died one day after he had bequeathed half a million to his church and another half a million to each of his relatives.
At the cemetery, the preacher noticed that among the well dressed mourners was a shabby stranger who cried as though his heart were breaking. "I noticed you crying," said the preacher. "Were you related to the deceased?"
"No," the young man responded, "I wasn't related at all."
"Then, why are you crying?" queried the preacher.
The man replied, "I just told you because I wasn't related."
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 10/1/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Pay What You Owe!
A wife came to the living room one day after having answered the front door. "There's a man at the door who wants to see you about a bill you owe," she told her husband. "What does he look like?" the husband inquired. "He looks like you'd better pay him," the wife declared.
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 10/1/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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Giving Thanks
A farmer visiting the city entered a restaurant for his noon meal.
When the food was served he silently bowed his head gave thanks. One of four young men at the next table, thinking to embarrass him, called out in a loud voice, "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out in the country where you live?"
The farmer quietly replied, "No, son, the pigs don`t--they just start right in!"
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Humor
Author: Unknown
Posted: 8/27/2003
Theme: Communicating the Message - Humor
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